Tuesday, March 13, 2007

Something in the water...

Is there something in (or maybe not in?) the water down here?

Perhaps the Jersey Shore is not experiencing dumped chemicals in their water like some Minnesota surburbs are concerned about now, but somedays I think the water is a formerly from a toxic waste dump. And by that I mean, it was heavily treated with chlorine so we could drink it.

I like being in a pool, so how bad could it be brushing my teeth with poolwater. Plus, poolwater is great cause you never notice when someone pees in the pool. Of course, there is the problem of too much chlorine and then everyone looks like they are part of Ben Stein's Visine commercials.

The real problem is my face has exploded like a teen working at McDonalds. You know, like the Pimply-faced teenager from The Simpsons? I expect my voice to break soon as I try to ask a guy out on a date or something.

I attacked my face with the usual dermatological gusto: exfoliating with sandpaper, applying harsh chemicals to my face, eating nothing but spinach and moisturizing with lotions enhanced with apparently wonderful organic extracts, like essence of yak fur or something.

All that seemed to keep my teenage shame from growing, but did not improve it.

But I found the fountain of youth! It is the Minnesota water system. In just four days, you too can have clearer skin, just like Jessica Simpson Kelly Clarkson Puff P. Did that rap guy Jesse Ventura and Norm Coleman.

Since no company is bottling this June Water, I guess my only option is to start pretending I'm a celebrity and wash my face with Evian water...or, maybe just Britta filter water.

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